You’re Busy, But Not Going Anywhere - Episode: 118
You’re putting in the work—but without a clear direction, it starts to feel like you’re maintaining instead of building.
- Why most men default into “protection mode” after early wins
- How success can still feel off day-to-day
- The difference between a vague desire and a real vision
- A simple way to build a five-year picture that drives action
- How one client shifted from burnout at home to being present with his family
- Why your family needs a vision just as much as your work
- The small daily decisions that change once the vision is clear
Practical takeaways:
- Define a five-year vision starting with specifics: your kids’ ages, daily rhythm, and home environment
- Pressure-test your current path with a 10-year lens—where does it actually lead?
- Align with your wife and build a shared vision you’re both moving toward
If your life feels full but not focused, take an hour this week and define what you’re actually building.
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SPEAKER_00
This is the Durable Dad Podcast. I'm your host, Tommy Geary. This show is gonna give you the skills and tools you need to be a rock solid man for your work, your community, and most importantly, your family. Alright, what's up, episode 118? If a man knows not to which port he sails, no wind is favorable. That's a quote from Seneca, stoic philosopher. So I want to ask you this question: Do you have a clear vision of where your life is going? Most guys would say no, or they might have a vague idea. But the truth is that we always have a vision. Our brain, every single day, every single moment, is projecting what the future is going to be like. And the problem is that if we don't do this intentionally, our brain defaults to scanning for threats, scanning for what might go wrong, what we might lose, what might fall apart. When this becomes our lens on life, we shift into a protection mode. You start living to not lose what you have, what you've built, instead of building something new. When we're in protection mode, you can think of it as kind of short-term thinking, active days, getting caught in the weeds, holding life together instead of building something new. And this isn't just business that we're talking about. We're talking about our family. Are you just maintaining what's going on, or are you actively building the kind of family that you really want? I'm working with a new client who has two young kids, big career, making good money from the outside, looks like it's solid. But he told me that he feels like he's just trying to hold it all together. And that's protection mode. Nothing's broken, but he's also not building anything. And he's feeling like he's kind of drifting, like he doesn't have much purpose. And guys end up here because early in life we do have a vision. It's very clear to finish high school, graduate college, get a job, build the career, get married, buy a house. A lot of you guys listening have done that. You've executed, you've created the vision, it worked. But then what? What happens after that? No one gives you the next vision. And if you don't create one yourself, you start drifting. And it's not because you're lazy, it's because you stopped aiming for something. You don't have a clear port that you are sailing to. So before we go any further, I don't want you to think that I've heard this before, it's visualization. I'm gonna tell you to build a vision board. That stuff sounds soft, it sounds like you don't have time for this. But anything meaningful that has been created starts with a vision. In one of the most referenced leadership books out there, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey, the author, his second habit is start with the end in mind. So sometimes we think that we have a vision, but if you're not inspired and fired up about your life, it's probably not a vision that you have. It's probably just a desire. You don't have a clear blueprint of what you're actually building. A great career, a good business, it doesn't just fall into your lap. And a strong family doesn't just happen out of the blue. You got to build these things. And most men will apply vision to their work. If you own your own business, you have a vision for what business you want to grow. But we forget to do this at home. And if you don't have a clear vision for your family and you haven't talked about it with your wife, then you're not leading your family. And those generational traits that your parents had or your wife's parents had have a much better possibility of continuing as a pattern from you and a pattern to your kids. And if you're not creating this vision, you're just kind of trying to keep it all together and manage the weak, whatever's thrown at you. So this new client that I'm working with, this is what he started to recognize. He knew that he was just trying to keep it all together. And knowing him now, it wasn't because of a lack of effort. He had a really strong career. He was a D1 athlete, he's capable, he's driven dude. He just didn't know which way to direct that capability that he has. So when we started working together, one of the first things we did was start to build a vision and give him something to aim for, to go for. I asked him, what does life look like in five years? What are your kids doing? What are you doing as a family? What does your day-to-day look like? He didn't have an answer. There was silence, and he just said, This is a really hard question. So we started to make it more clear. I asked more questions. First thing, how old are your girls in five years? And he said they'd be nine and six. Nine and six, that's about fourth and first grade. He said, Okay, got it. Fourth and first grade. I can kind of see that now. He said they're going to the school that's down the block from our house. We're in the same neighborhood, the same community, the same house. Okay, perfect. This is starting to be a tangible vision. So we start building on that. What does your family rhythm look like? Was the next question. He said they're walking to school. We're outside a lot as a family. We're not rushing to all these different activities every day. There's a relaxed vibe in the house. Then I asked him, When was the last time his family did something that felt exciting? And he smiled and said, Just last weekend, they were all walking to the park together. It was just the four of them. And him and his wife looked at each other and they smiled at each other. And I asked, What was exciting about that? And he said, it was just all of them together getting outside of the house. Perfect. Let's loop this into the vision. So, what activities do you guys do together in five years? And he said, We're doing beach days, we're taking bike rides, we're just enjoying the simple moments. Boom, right? Now we're very clear on life. We're going to enjoy those simple moments. And he said, the girls are into whatever they're interested in and we're supporting them. So when you're building your vision, you want to get specific like this. It's going to be easier to see, and you want to build in the emotion that goes along with this vision. Because if you're in protection mode, in that state of building what you have now and just drifting a little and you're looking out for threats, the emotion that's associated with that is stress, it's worry, it's anxiety. And those emotions are driving your decisions on a day-to-day basis. When you're building your vision, you want to get as specific as possible with the details and connect those to how you're feeling. So we're doing this with him. He mentioned slower, he mentioned relaxed. I asked him what his day-to-day looks like, more about his career. And he says he's working but in some type of different role. He's not sure if it's the same company. But, you know, when you're creating a vision, that doesn't really matter right now. What does matter is that he knew he wasn't traveling as much, that he wasn't commuting as far. He didn't work from home. He went to an office. But when he came home, he wasn't drained. He had more energy, he had more patience. Right now, he's exhausted when he gets home and he is having a hard time just enjoying the evenings with his family, which is in contrast to his vision. He wants to enjoy the small moments with his family. So his vision is getting pretty clear. And when I repeat this back to him, when I paint the picture for him, I ask him, How's he feeling? And he said, I'm feeling good, feeling calm, confident. I feel happy. And this is when vision becomes really powerful. He's thinking differently now, he's feeling differently now. And that is going to change how he makes decisions right now. This is a long-term vision, but it starts to impact him on a day-to-day basis. If his vision is to be more present at home, that's not five years away. He decides to go into work an hour late one morning so he can spend that time with his family. He puts his phone in a drawer when he gets home at six o'clock, and he doesn't touch it until after 8:30 when his kids are in bed. These small changes, they're not things that he overthinks because he's decided on his vision, he's feeling that vision, and he's starting to measure his day-to-day against something that is clearly defined. His vision is no longer I want to improve, I want to get better. It's more specific. This can sound rudimentary or too easy. A lot of you guys want to spend more quality time with your family. But if you've been saying that and it's not happening, then that's not a vision. It's a vague idea that you have. And what you need is a clear picture of what more time with family actually looks like. That's what's going to change your decision. It's the same thing in business. I was working with a guy, he had a number that he wanted to grow his real estate fund to. So we created a vision for his company that could raise that much money. And what kind of leader did he need to be? What kind of culture did he want to build? And then he started to feel motivated, he started to feel excited. And the next step was more outreach. He had had this client list of people that he wanted to reach out to, had been sitting on his to-do list. And instead of feeling overwhelmed by it or doubting himself about making these calls, the vision drove his decision to start making two calls a day. That's what vision can do. Now, this guy I checked in with him three years later, and his real estate fund is pretty dang close to what we visualized three years ago. When Brendan and I work on our vision, part of it is being more self-sufficient. We want some land, we want a garden, maybe some animals. And that's not happening anytime soon, but that vision motivated us to start a small garden in our backyard. And this was a couple years ago. It's tiny. Maybe there's seven or eight plants. And last year I killed most of them within a month of the summer. But it's a start. We're digging our hands in the dirt and we're feeling like we're a little more self-sufficient. It's the small things, it's the small steps that are gonna build your vision. And something that I just mentioned there that Brenda and I did part of our vision together, you gotta loop your wife into the vision. You're co-leading your family. And all good leadership teams have a shared vision of where they're going. All right. So just gave you steps on how to create your vision, some examples of questions you can ask yourself, how that vision impacts your current day-to-day. And now what I want you to do is think about nothing changing. What your day-to-day looks like right now, nothing changes. You don't create a vision for you, for your family, just keeps going this way. Fast forward 10 years. If you're on the current trail, will you have spent enough time with your kids? Will you have built the business or the work that you want to do, the work that you put into the world that helps you feel fulfilled? Will you and your wife have continued to maintain and build a relationship that's going to allow you guys to thrive in that part of life when the kids leave the house? If there's no vision, the path you're currently on, it's not gonna change. Nothing's gonna fall apart, everything's gonna be okay, you're gonna live a good life. But will you be living up to your potential? Will you be showing your kids what a fulfilled life actually looks like? Maybe you're already doing this. Hell yeah, awesome. One thing I'd want to say to you is keep visualizing. If it's working for you, keep creating the next steps. A man who knows not which port he sails, no wind is favorable. Without a clear vision, we just drift. Our brain defaults to visualizing threats. We go into protecting what we have instead of building on top of it. So your next steps make time, define your vision, get really clear on it. Start with the ages of your kids, where will you be living? Define what you want one day to look like and conjure up the emotions, confidence, grounded, patience, joy. Align with your wife, get on the same page with her, make the adjustments. This takes one to two hours. If that feels like a lot of time, put the phone down, turn the TV off, and get this vision done. When you do, you're gonna be showing your kids what it takes to lead a family and how when you create a vision, you can create whatever you want in life. Might sound broad, but it's the truth. Get out there, do it. That's what I got for you guys today. Have an awesome one, and I'll catch you next time.
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