How to be a Confident Man - Episode: 025
Is your confidence hinged on external validation? Join me as we confront this lifelong issue of confidence and where our value comes from. We'll explore the potential pitfalls of relying solely on external validation, which can result in self-esteem dips when life doesn't stick to the script. This episode will transform your perspective on your self worth, and you'll navigate the world with a renewed sense of confidence.
Speaker 1
This is the Durable Dad podcast. I'm your host, tommy Geary. This show is going to give you the skills and tools you need to be a rock solid man for your work, your community and, most importantly, your family. All right, what's up guys? Episode number 25, roland.
Speaker 1
Today we're talking about confidence, which it seems like a lot of us may have from the outside. A lot of people might think we're confident On the inside. We just don't totally feel that way. We're going to talk about why that is and how we can create some more confidence in ourself and of who we are. Before we dive into that, I just want to say a few things. One I got a cool email from a guy about a week ago that was just telling me he's been listening to the podcast and it got him to sign up for a 5K race that's coming up and he hasn't ran a race like that in years and he's already starting to train and he's pumped and he's feeling more excited at home and has more life hanging out with his wife and kids and it's just super cool to hear that I mean hearing feedback from you guys that someone's out there listening to this podcast and it's helping out. If you guys want to leave a rating and leave a review on Apple or on Spotify or wherever you listen. It helps more guys find this. I know I've said it before, but I'm going to keep prodding you and requesting and asking generously to rate the podcast and just share it with someone else. Hit the share button, send it, text it to a buddy when an episode lands with you, or just have the conversations with guys that these things are being talked about. We're all going through different reasons that we need some help, some support and whatever that shows up like for you, it's showing up for other guys out there.
Speaker 1
Reach out to other men, guys that you're thinking about. Someone once told me if you think about a guy that you haven't talked to in a while, don't just let that linger and keep moving through your day. If you've thought about them, the universe put that information in your head for a reason. Shoot them a text, just say, hey, man, what's up? You don't have to send them this podcast, but just letting someone know that you're thinking about them can lift some spirits. You never know when guys are in a rut. All right, didn't know I was going to start talking about that, but I do think it's powerful, maybe just to challenge you guys text one old friend or one guy you haven't seen in a while and say hi. Another thing that is going on right now is we're in the middle of the stop losing your temper. Course, that's been pretty awesome. You got a solid group of guys and it's been really. It's fun and it's also good work. We're figuring out how our mindset, how our emotions, can be more in control so we can show up as a dad, as a husband, as a neighbor, in a better level headed way and the way that we're proud of. It's been awesome. And if you guys aren't in the class and missed it, I'm going to have another class coming up in October and it's going to be really impactful and really applicable to what we go through as dads and husbands. So heads up, that's coming up soon.
Speaker 1
And today I'm going to talk about validation, and I said confidence at the beginning. But that's really what confidence is when we feel validated. And validation I'll just define the term is recognizing that you as a person, or your feelings or your ideas are of value, are worthwhile, are worthy, and there's two types. There's external validation and internal validation. External validation is seeking external things in the world to tell us that we're doing a good job, to tell us that we're enough, that we're valued, that we're Doing great, that it's worth it for us to be here. We look outside of ourselves to Find that evidence and we get it from work, when we get paid, when we close big deals, get solid feedback on a presentation, when we get compliments from family or friends. That's external validation. It's when we look to others to Decide if we're good enough or if we're doing a good enough job.
Speaker 1
And we've kind of been trained to Seek out external validation. When we were young, parents celebrated good grades, like good grades meant you were doing a good job, or coaches told you you were kicking ass on the field, giving you a compliment about how you played in the game or how hard you practice. That's external validation. At school we were trained to work for gold stars, and so external validation is basically looking to the world, looking to Things that we've accomplished, people that we know, to tell us that we are Valued, that we're on the right track, that we're moving forward, that we're successful. Alright, that's external validation.
Speaker 1
What is internal validation? This is when you just know that you're doing a good job. You know that you are valuable, that you're a person that is good, that your efforts that you're putting out into the world are worthwhile and you work hard, you do your best and when you have this internal sense of knowing that you're enough, you feel grounded. You're not out searching for more all the time. You're confident. This is that confidence. You are able to Validate yourself Alright.
Speaker 1
So that's external and internal validation, and I don't want to demonize External validation. That can happen. You can hear a lot of people say you shouldn't give a shit about what other people think. But we do right. It's natural and throughout our evolution, embedded in our DNA, is this survival instinct to be part of a group. Thousands and thousands of years ago, if we were separated from the group, we had a very small chance of survival and that Instinct to belong is still part of us. So it's okay to want external validation. It's okay to want external validation. It's okay to want love, to want support, to want people to tell you that you're doing a good job.
Speaker 1
But we can get in trouble when we Seek out external validation and count on it to feel good. If we are fully reliable on external validation. When we don't have it, we're gonna feel like shit, we're gonna feel depressed and we're not gonna feel very confident at work. If numbers are down, if revenues down, sales are down, new investors aren't coming in. The guy that knows he's doing valuable work, the guy that knows his contributions matter, it's not gonna impact him as much. He's gonna keep setting up meetings and networking. He's gonna keep pushing forward. He's gonna be creative and find the deals that are still out there. The guy that's attaching his success on the numbers, his confidence is gonna plummet as the numbers plummet and there's gonna be a big difference in performance. When confidence is down, you're not gonna perform as high as the guy that knows he's doing good work.
Speaker 1
We can also get into trouble seeking external validation through our kids. So this one, I want you guys to kind of stick with me and be honest with yourself that when our kid is performing well, we usually make it mean that we're doing a good job as a dad. If our kids aren't listening or our kids are on their phone too much, we can tell ourselves that we're messing up, that there's something wrong with us. And when we do this, when we attach our worth to our kids' performance, we don't show up as the dad they need when times are tough. So when times are tough and they're not feeling great, they know they're not crushing it. If we're attached to their success, we're going to nag on them, we're gonna try to push them, we're gonna try to fix them. Make all these suggestions because we want them to succeed so we can tell ourselves that we're doing a good job as a parent.
Speaker 1
And if you're shaking your head and you're like, no, that's not me, I would just open up and get curious about it. Maybe it's not, maybe it's not you, but I know I do it all the time. When my daughter's struggling, I question everything I'm doing as a parent. And the flip side, the dad that disconnects his performance as a parent from his kids accomplishments or his kids actions that's the dad that trusts themselves and knows that they're doing a good job. He can open up. He's gonna be more accepting of his kid where they're at right now. He's gonna be more curious, he's gonna ask them questions, he's gonna connect, he's gonna be the support, the safe space that his kid needs and that's I mean, that's really huge.
Speaker 1
And this is the case all over, all over our life. It's about letting go of the external validation, you trust that your efforts are valuable and that your contributions are worthwhile. If we're telling ourselves that we're not, that we're not doing enough, that we could be doing better as a dad, right, it sounds like a helpful thought, but what we're really doing is telling ourselves that there's something wrong with us. And if we're telling ourselves that there's something wrong with us, we're gonna feel disappointed, deflated, ashamed, and our actions are going to try to be to manipulate external factors so we can eventually tell ourselves that we're doing a good job and we can't control the outside world. We can't control anything but our thoughts and our emotions and our actions. So we really want to Recognize when we're attaching our value to things outside of ourselves.
Speaker 1
Alright, so here are three signs that you might not be internally validating yourself. Number one you don't acknowledge your wins. So people that aren't internally validating are going to look at all the things that they haven't done, all the things they missed, all the mistakes that they made, and when the day's over, they're just going to feel like they didn't do enough. Alright, and then, if we want to acknowledge, if we look to acknowledge our wins, if we look at the day and say here are three things I got done. If we look at the last week, these are the things I got done. If we look at the last month and we check off our wins, this is the definition of internally validating. Right, that person a month ago wanted to get stuff done in life. Today we look back and we acknowledge which of the things he got done. That is validating ourselves internally. That's validating that. Yeah, man, you wanted to get some workouts in, you wanted to take your kids to the batting cages and you got it all done Like nice work. That's internal validation.
Speaker 1
Another way to kind of call yourself out that you're not internally validating is if it feels like it's never enough, and by it I mean accomplishments. Like you have goals and you've ran a bunch of different races, always looking to feel confident at the end, and at the end of each race you feel good, but it's fleeting. That confidence kind of goes away and you get stuck in this loop of wanting more In work. We could get to the promotion and the salary that we've always wanted and something is still missing. We have the excitement in the moment and then it's like, all right, well then, what's the next goal? What's the next promotion I'm going after. I feel empty, still, like I don't feel right.
Speaker 1
Those are signs that you're not internally validating yourself. You're looking externally for accomplishments to mean that you're worthy, that you're whole. And I'm telling you that, like right now, sitting where you are listening to this podcast yesterday, tomorrow, today, you are whole, you're a perfect person the way that you are, and we can be hard on ourselves and I'm not gonna go on a tangent on this because I can feel myself wanting to, so I'm just gonna Go. So one way you might know you're internally validating is you don't acknowledge wins. The second is you get into a loop of wanting more.
The Power of Internal Validation
Speaker 1
Accomplishments are never enough. Money Accomplishments, physical accomplishments it's never enough. The third is when Compliments land flat. So a compliment is a form of external Validation, but it's also a signal. If someone gives you a compliment and you don't accept it and Believe it. Someone is trying to give you a compliment and you don't open up and receive it, that's a sign that you don't believe in yourself. That's a sign that you're not giving yourself enough credit.
Speaker 1
All right, so to recap, we all want to be Validated. We all want to know that we are Worthy, that what we do, what our contribution is, is valued like. That's just an innate thing in humans and looking for it externally is Totally normal. To get connection, to want to be affirmed Totally normal. But it can get us into trouble if we only Attach our value to things outside of ourself to our work, to our kids, to our families, to our Things, our houses, our money. That could get us into trouble.
Speaker 1
Internal validation is when we can know, trust, just have this sense that we are Exactly who we're supposed to be and we can peel back all the layers of Trying to be someone else and just be ourselves.
Speaker 1
And there's so much confidence in that and there's freedom in that. There's a letting go of trying to defend or protect and no more pressure when you just know that your hole, you're good and maybe this is getting a little soft, but sometimes we got to go to the soft stuff, guys, because we don't often, and I just want everyone listening to know that, no matter what happens in the world, no matter what you've done in your past or what is gonna happen in the future, you're Enough and you're good and you're exactly the way you're supposed to be. So own it, be who you are, drop your guard and Watch the impact that you'll have on other people when you exude confidence. It influences the people around you, it allows other people to be themselves and let go a little bit. So that's it. I already told you at the beginning of the episode to leave reviews, so I'm not gonna do that again, even though I kind of did hope you guys have an awesome week and Catch you next time you.
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