Are You Too Nice of a Guy? - Episode: 026
Are you quick to say yes, even when it goes against your own interests or values?
Do you try to avoid looking like a jerk?
We'll unpack the 'Nice Guy Syndrome' and how it can hinder your personal growth and relationships.
Together, we explore the small, significant steps you can take towards unveiling the real man within you.
You'll learn how to break free from 'Nice Guy Syndrome' and align your actions with your personal values.
You'll live with more integrity AND have more impact.
Speaker 1
This is the Durable Dad podcast. I'm your host, tommy Geary. This show is going to give you the skills and tools you need to be a rock solid man for your work, your community and, most importantly, your family. Here we go, episode number 26. I just got back from having coffee with Brenda, my wife, and we were sitting down celebrating the 25th episode of the show, so we just released 25 yesterday. This is 26 that I'm recording right now. We started in March and we've created 25 episodes Pretty awesome. So we took a second to celebrate. Actually, brenda put it on my calendar and it was cool to just sit down and soak it in a little bit. So that's where I'm at right now. I'm feeling some pride, some accomplishment, some gratitude for you guys that are listening, and let's keep this thing rolling.
Speaker 1
Today, the topic is the nice guy syndrome, and if you haven't heard of the nice guy syndrome before, it's this underlying desire to be known as a nice guy, as a good guy, and how that desire actually inhibits us from having really good relationships, inhibits us from being strong leaders, being strong, courageous, brave men. There's a book called no More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover, and I really have to say Robert Glover's name slowly, because I've said Danny Glover a lot. Danny Glover, the amazing actor in Lethal Weapon and Angels in the Outfield and I'm sure, a bunch of other movies. I got a buddy Pat that's probably like, yeah, he's in this, this, this, this, this. I don't know if he listens to the podcast, but Danny Glover, great actor. I could talk about him longer, but really we're talking about Robert Glover, the author of no More Mr Nice Guy. He really distilled what's going on here with the nice guy syndrome and if you look at the research out there, you'll see a reference to his book, to his work, a lot.
Speaker 1
In this episode we're going to talk about how to spot a nice guy and nice guy behavior. We're going to talk about the pitfalls of being a nice guy and having nice guy syndrome and what to do about it. So how do you spot it? Nice guy behavior is saying yes to things, doing favors, as a tactic to get people to think he's a good guy. I'll hear this from guys a lot and I've been coaching guys for over three years and I probably learned about nice guy syndrome a year and a half ago. And when I learned about this, this tendency to want to be known as a good guy, but it's actually at the detriment of ourselves and at the detriment of our relationships. It totally made sense to me, so many of the dudes that I work with, when we're talking about prioritizing and saying no to requests that work or not taking too much on at home. Whenever we dial down to what they're worried about or what their concern is, if they say no is that I don't want to be looked at as a jerk, I don't want to be the jerk and sounds innocent enough. But when we say yes to things because we don't want to be a jerk, what we're actually saying is we're saying yes, so you don't think I'm a jerk and you like me, so you will tell me that I'm doing a good job, or thank you very much.
Speaker 1
Dr Glover calls these covert contracts, unspoken agreements, underlying agreements, that sometimes nice guys don't even recognize that they're doing them so it can look like if I help you, then you'll give me what I want, and usually that's approval or compliments. The example at work a nice guy is going to help out a lot, he's going to pick up extra responsibilities, expecting some type of acknowledgement, and it's not a one-time thing. It's not this fire drill comes up, I'm going to pick this one and I'm hoping at the end of it you tell me I'm an awesome guy. It's this overall desire and approval to hear from the team or the business that this guy helps out. This guy is a team player. He makes great contributions. We're looking for other people to fill our cup up. If we think about the podcast last week, external vs Internal Validation that's what's at the base of the Nice Guy Syndrome. We're looking for external validation.
Speaker 1
Other ways to spot if you have Nice Guy tendencies is you avoid disapproval in social situations. You don't want to let people down because they might think less of you, or you're not being assertive. You're not creating boundaries or limits for your time and your priorities. Again, another work example is if you're sitting in a meeting and it's supposed to end at the top of the hour and the top of the hour gets there and you had another meeting with a client or you were planning on going to get your work out in and you just let the meeting go over. You just let it roll over and maybe inside you're building up some resentment that this meeting is supposed to stop. How can they carry on? But you don't want to speak up because they might think you're a jerk.
Speaker 1
That's another way to spot it. You throw out empty compliments. You're throwing out compliments just so you could get someone to say thanks, man, appreciate it. It's giving things, giving favors, giving words with a motive. It's actually kind of manipulative. Instead of being brave or courageous, a Nice Guy is going to say and do things just to get good reactions, just to try to keep other people happy, and we hide who we really are. These covert contracts. What we're trying to get is other people's approval, but we're not telling them that. So those are a few ways to spot the Nice Guy syndrome. The covert contracts. Not being assertive, trying to avoid conflict, avoid disapproval those are tendencies of a Nice Guy.
Speaker 1
Where do these behaviors come from? So many of our behaviors and patterns now, these Nice Guy tendencies come from our childhood. I'm not going to dive too deep into this because really what I want to address today is how to spot it and why we want to address it. But it starts from when we are small and very dependent on our parents or our caregivers. And when we're dependent, we want to attach, we want to be accepted and depending. Everyone has different childhood experiences. So if this Nice Guy thing isn't landing with you, maybe your childhood experience is something different. But this Nice Guy syndrome is one way that kids attach and that kids seek approval from their parents or whoever raised them. And that equation is if I toe the line and if I am a good boy, then I'll get love. If I don't get angry, then I'll get love. If I share, if I make sure I don't hurt other people's feelings, then I'll be accepted. Then I won't get in trouble, then I'll be loved. That is where it really stems from. So we've talked about how to spot it, where it comes from. And now why do we want to address it?
Speaker 1
Having nice guy tendencies can really damage our marriages. If a nice guy is doing things for his wife, expecting something in return and not communicating it, a lot of underlying resentment can be built up and the nice guy might say stuff like I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do, I'm not a jerk, I do all these favors. Why isn't she happy? Why can't we have sex more? Why can't she tell me that I'm doing a good job and this? He can vocalize this to other people, to his buddies. He can have this internal dialogue in his head, but what's really going on here is that he's created this codependent relationship. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to to make you happy now you make me happy and we're not taking responsibility for our own happiness. We're not filling up our own cup. We're expecting someone else to tell us how good we are and to look for love outside of ourselves, and the pendulum has just swung too far. Of course we want love from our wives, but if we're covertly trying to earn and win her love and then when she doesn't get it and she doesn't understand it and we're pissed off about it, that's not a good recipe for a solid relationship.
Speaker 1
So we need to communicate more, and a nice guy usually doesn't communicate well with his needs. He doesn't speak about what he actually needs, he just tries to get it without saying that he wants it. Another reason we want to address it is that being a nice guy stops us from being a leader in our careers, being a leader in our businesses, because we're going to avoid those difficult conversations, because we're worried that we'll hurt other people's feelings or they'll think that we're a jerk or we're a bad boss. And I say we because I've been there before those hard conversations. I've wanted to avoid them and I let that person do their job not in the way that they're supposed to, or is not as good as I think they can do, and never have the conversation about it. A nice guy also is gonna say yes too much. He's not gonna prioritize his time.
Speaker 1
So men with nice guy syndrome don't live up to their full potential because they don't prioritize their values, their desires, and they give all their energy out. They empty their cup, expecting for people in their lives to fill their cup up, and they don't fill it up themselves. So what do we do about it? First, we just notice it. Notice your thoughts, notice your covert contracts. When you do favors, when you give compliments and they're empty, right, you're doing this favor because you're expecting something in return. Just notice that. Notice that in yourselves, be honest with yourself and then start to be overt in your relationships.
Speaker 1
We all want something out of our relationships. Anytime we're engaging in a relationship with somebody, we are desiring something. So talk about it. Give, keep giving, keep giving in your relationship and also acknowledge what you want and, whether you talk about it or not, just know that. That's there. You're not just the nicest person in the world that's always giving you want something back and, if it's love, tell your wife that, hey, I'm planning on getting the house as clean as possible because later tonight the kids are out of the house and I'm hoping that we can hang out in the bedroom. That's a man that knows what he wants and is going to communicate it.
Becoming a Fully Integrated Man
Speaker 1
I was just working with a guy a couple weeks ago and he has this nice guy tendency to not want to let people down. He doesn't want to disappoint other people and it sounds valiant. It sounds like a good intention to have. However, what he was hiding underneath was this guy that wanted to go out and play golf, and it's these little things that add up With this nice guy syndrome. What I'm learning and starting to understand and hopefully I'm communicating is that it's not just about one individual moment here wanting to play golf for this one week there. It's a pattern and a behavior that's been around for a long time and over the course of our relationship at home, it's damaging it. Over the course of being a leader in our corporate career, it's not allowing us to be courageous and brave and make bold decisions. So those are a few things to start doing.
Speaker 1
Notice the tendencies to be a nice guy. Be overt in your relationships. Communicate what you actually want. Be a little selfish. Take time for yourself to work out, to get your body into better shape. Take time to learn something new, even if you feel guilty or uncomfortable doing it, and Dr Glover calls this becoming a fully integrated man.
Speaker 1
So when you become a fully integrated man, you're going to know it because you don't avoid those tough conversations. You're going to admit that they're hard, that they're uncomfortable, but you don't let things linger. You still step up and you have the difficult conversation, even if you're going to mess it up. And an integrated man honors and lives in alignment with his values, even if he has to say no sometimes to friends and family. And when you become fully integrated you have this extra swagger or confidence. You know you walk into a room and your kids and your wife and other men, they feel it. And to get there it's just little things, just like the nice guy syndrome is little decisions, little covert contracts that bring us down and damage our relationships.
Speaker 1
Becoming a fully integrated man are little steps in the opposite direction, little steps in prioritizing things that are important to you, new things that feel a little scary, feel a little uncomfortable, getting to be an integrated man. You follow that path of discomfort. You follow that path of scared, fear, pain, and you don't let that stop you. And on the other side, you become more confident. You don't seek other people's approval. You know inside that you're full. You're whole just like that internal validation. That's what a fully integrated man is. He knows who he is and he's totally okay with it. So go throughout your day, notice if you have these nice guy tendencies and if you do, seek out resources to try to change them and become the man that is inside of you. That's already there and you just have to unlock them. Alright, guys, have an awesome week.
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