A Tool to Connect With Your Wife - Episode: 016
Ever found yourself stuck in surface-level conversations, struggling to connect with your wife? In this powerful episode, we share a game-changing communication tool: the check-in process. This technique has transformed my relationships, particularly with my wife, as it helps to cut through small talk and dive into the heart of the matter. Through examples from our own experiences, such as resolving disagreements and navigating anxiety in social settings, discover the three-step process that involves naming three physical things, sensations, and emotions.
Not only is the check-in process beneficial for you and your wife, but it can also be applied to connections with friends, kids, and even yourself. We discuss overcoming the initial reluctance to initiate a check-in and the rewards that follow through open and honest communication. Learn how this technique works across different age groups, from young children to adults, and how it can elevate your everyday conversations to something more profound. Give the check-in process a try and witness the difference it can make in creating deeper connections with those around you, ultimately enhancing your overall quality of life.
Speaker 1
This is The Durable Dad podcast. I'm your host, tommy Geary. This show is going to give you the skills and tools you need to be a rock solid man for your work, your community and, most importantly, your family. Alright, what's up? Episode number 16. Here we go. This is a Monday afternoon and it's been a good Monday so far. I was a little scattered in the middle of the day, but am regaining the day and crushing this afternoon, excited to record this podcast.
Speaker 1
What we're going to talk about today is a process It's called a check-in process and it's a tool that I learned from a group called Everyman, and a lot of different men's groups and coaches will use a check-in process like this to connect and communicate better with people around you, with yourself, with your wife. It's really beneficial in just cutting through the bullshit and getting to the point of the conversation, getting to the point of what we need to talk about and then moving forward having really productive conversations. My wife and I will use this when we're discussing something and just not really going anywhere with it, or we're short with each other and kind of butting heads If we're just not seeing each other's perspective. We'll do this check-in process If we're driving somewhere and we're about to go into a party and we just kind of notice that one person is a little more distracted than the other person. We'll just say, hey, we want to check in real quick before we go into this party and then we kind of go in feeling more connected. It's been really helpful in our relationship and how we communicate When we travel.
Speaker 1
I don't know I get on high alert. We were going through the airport and I was just making you want to make sure you're at the go into the right gate and the flight's on time and the bag's packed the way it's supposed to pack and you just got through security, everything's okay and because of how I plan, i usually plan, so we have a lot of extra time. There was just at the airport this seems to happen, but it just happened a couple months ago where we're at our gate, had a bunch of time and I'm still on high alert. Brenda, my wife was just like hey, you okay. I was like yeah, and she was like you want to check in. We did this check-in process and it just allowed us to enjoy a little bit more of that slow time, rather than have me be distracted and not focused on our family in the moment. Those are all different scenarios. I've used it in.
Speaker 1
What really happens here is that our relationships when we are in the day-to-day moving routine figuring out where kids need to go, who's picking them up, planning vacations, planning dinners and meals and who's working when our relationships can get really transactional and we can start to just be passing each other like we're roommates and not really connected in our relationship, we'd be like, hey, how was your day today? It was good. How was yours? It was good. My day was busy, my day was busy.
Speaker 1
Real, surface-level conversations and the check-in process and I promise I'm getting to it in a second will cut through that. We'll get to a deeper layer. We'll let us drop our guard a little bit so we can have that real conversation For guys. A lot of the time we'll get caught up in our heads and we think that we can't find the right words to say. From the outside it looks like we're shutting down, but really we just are struggling, trying to communicate what we are thinking and what we are feeling. In this check-in process Does that? It's three steps and you're going to be able to use it quickly to start speaking instead of just saying silent in conversation. It's going to build empathy, it's going to build understanding for each other and the conversations become more productive.
Speaker 1
When you try out this check-in process, i really just encourage you to bring it to your wife and try it out with her. It's going to seem a little awkward because it's new and it's different. But anything new and different does feel uncomfortable. I would just say give it a shot. And it's quick, it's painless and this is what it looks like. It's three steps. First step is you name three things that you see in your physical presence. This gets you grounded. It takes you out of thinking about the future or thinking about the past and into your physical presence. I'll demonstrate after I go through the steps.
Speaker 1
Step one three physical things in your presence. Step two three physical things that you feel in the moment, sensations that are in your body. Name them like hot or cold, tight or loose or relaxed or sore or hurt or pain, those kinds of sensations. And the third step is name three emotions. So one word feelings. And so those are the three steps Name three things in your presence, three things you feel physically, three emotions you're feeling in the moment And you just do it. You accept what's there.
Speaker 1
So let me demo what the check-in process looks like. So I would take a breath in, let it out. I see headphones, i see a white book And I see a black microphone. Breath in And out I feel tingling in my left foot, my hands feel cold And my hips feel relaxed. Breath in And out Three things emotional. I feel anxious, i feel excited, i feel content. Then at the end you say, and I'm in, that's the check-in process. I'm feeling anxious, i think, because I'm just nervous sharing this with you guys and checking in like this. Then I'm also excited to share it with you and put it out there a little bit more. That's interesting sometimes You can feel two emotions that seem opposite to each other, but you can feel them at the same time. That's the check-in process.
The Power of the Check-in Process
Speaker 1
Just a couple tips No minimizers or maximizers. We don't want to say I feel a little frustrated or I feel really stressed right now, because there's a difference between saying I feel a little frustrated and I feel frustrated. That difference is just owning what your emotion is and really acknowledging what's present. No minimizers or maximizers, no story when you do the first check-in process. When I said I feel anxious, i didn't say I feel anxious because I'm talking about the check-in process on this podcast. Wait until after my check-in process No story. I'm sore in my right hip because I lifted weights yesterday. That lifted weights is the story. Just, i'm sore in my right hip.
Speaker 1
The last tip is when you guys are listening to the other person, when you're listening to your wife go through her check-in process, you're going to have the urge to fix an emotion that she says. She's going to say an emotion like she's worried or she's scared. We're going to want to fix it. I just say just stop and listen. This is a quick process, try it out. Like I said, it's something new but it only takes a couple minutes and there are benefits. It's really been a game changer for me, not just in my relationship with Brenda, but for myself.
Speaker 1
It's an awesome thing to just check in with yourself maybe once a day around noon or in the evening, just to see where you're at with your kids. I have some clients that will do this with their kids in the evening before bed. My daughter's a little young for it right now, at five, but our kids get to be like eight, nine, 10, even older. Awesome way to connect with your kids. I use it with my dad. My dad and I were having conversations pretty regularly on Wednesday nights for about a year and that's changed with us adopting our daughter a couple months ago. Instead of just going through the pleasantries of how was your day, how was your day and what's new with you, with work and da-da-da-da-da, we just did this check-in process and it just cuts into a real conversation.
Speaker 1
If you're feeling reluctant. Almost every time I ask Brenda to check in or Brenda asks me to check in, the other one feels reluctant to do it. We've known because we've done it. That's like if I'm feeling reluctant to do it, it probably means that it's a good time to do it and we never regret that we did. That's what I'll leave you guys with. Play around with it, the check-in process. It's a tool to help us create better relationships, because when we have better relationships, we have a better quality of life. Thanks for listening, guys. Leave a review. I really appreciate it, and have an awesome day.
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