A Framework For Life Transitions For Men - Episode: 130
Some life changes come with a party and a clean finish line, but most don't.
Becoming a dad, watching your kids grow up, going from the guy you were in your twenties to the man your family needs now. Without a marker, part of you stays stuck in the old version. Craig Spear is back to talk about transitions and a simple framework for actually closing them out.
Listen on your preferred platform:
In this episode:
- What the Yosemite hike taught us about becoming a team
- Why falling back on old habits under stress is a sign you haven’t transitioned fully
- Grief as a tool, and how Marie Kondo can help
- The 5-minute family ritual that closes out summer
- Shutting down the workday so you actually walk into the house as dad
- Why hard challenges mark the shift from who you were to who you’re becoming
Takeaways:
- If you don’t name the transition you’re in, you’ll keep living like the old version of yourself.
- Thank the immature you for what it gave you, then let it go.
- Resentment builds when you never let go of what you lost.
- A marker doesn’t have to be big. A slideshow at the dining room table counts.
- Decide who you are now, then build the habits to stay there.
- This isn’t linear. You’ll slip back. That’s why accountability matters.
Every season ends whether you close it or not. Close it on purpose.
To find out more about Craig head to his website - https://craigspearcoaching.com/ or follow him on LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/in/craigspear/
Joshua Tree — Free Live Info Call
Thursday, Oct 22 · 8pm ET / 5pm PT
Craig and I are taking a group of men to Joshua Tree. We’ll do a sunrise hike to the top of Quail Mountain, a warm-up hike on Ryan Mountain, daily workouts, cold plunge and sauna.
On the call, we’ll walk through the route, the training plan and the full itinerary.
Save your seat → https://joshuatree2027-info-call.netlify.app/
Welcome Back And Yosemite Teamwork
SPEAKER_01 0:46
This is the Durable Dad Podcast. I'm your host, Tommy Geary. This show is going to give you the skills and tools you need to be a rock solid man for your work, your community, and most importantly, your family. All right, what's up? Episode 130. I got Craig Speer back on the podcast, and we recorded yesterday, except for it wasn't really a recording because I didn't hit record, and he's got flexibility in his schedule today, so he's back. Craig Speer, uh he's been on the podcast a couple times, but what's up, man?
SPEAKER_00 1:25
What's up? You're paying by the appearance, right?
SPEAKER_01 1:29
That's right. Every time I have to rebook you, you get you get another check in the mail.
SPEAKER_00 1:35
Sweet. That's good to be back. Thanks for having me. I'm uh excited to be here.
SPEAKER_01 1:40
Yeah, and we were just in person. We were in Yosemite together last week, and we had 10 guys out in California. We did a huge hike in the park. And one of the things you said at the end of the week was that the guys came together as a team. So guys from all over the country, and we were on our training calls bi-weekly leading up to it. But on that hike, a couple of the guys struggled, and a couple of the other guys stepped up to help the guys that are struggling, and the guys that were struggling were open to the assistance and drop the ego so we could make it through together. And you just called that out at the end and talked about how we came together as a team. I thought that was really cool to see like the beginning guys just, you know, go online and buy this trip that they are excited about, but don't really know what them they're getting themselves into, and then all of a sudden crush this hard thing and become a team. Besides the team aspect, wondering like who you've seen make a transformation
Real Transformation On Hard Trips
SPEAKER_01 2:46
through these trips.
SPEAKER_00 2:48
Yeah, it's really neat because I think you could point to any one of the participants, any one of the guys on the trip, and say they're they've gone undergone some sort of transformation. So it can be hard to really pinpoint one, but one does come to mind, and um he's a guy who's been on multiple trips. He was with us in Grand Canyon, he struggled there, right? He completed the hike, but he did struggle and then came back for his redemption tour back to the Grand Canyon and absolutely crushed that. And then in on this trip in Yosemite, he was just in the best condition I've ever seen him. He was fresh, he was strong, the whole hike, so much so that he was able to assist both of us when guys were struggling, and he ended up being an integral part, especially near the end. So to see someone go through those transitions and those transformations over the course of a year, because really it's only been a year, 18 months, if you add in all the training, it's really impressive.
SPEAKER_01 3:48
Of course, I know exactly who you're talking about and just the adjustments he's made to his training, to how he shows up for the other guys in the group. I wonder what he would say, how he would like pinpoint himself as what his transformation has been. And I bring it up because we're talking about transitions today, and we kind of talked part of transitions or who are you transforming into.
SPEAKER_00 4:14
Yeah. No, and we talked about this because it's come up quite a bit in our one-to-one coaching with all the guys that we help, but also on these trips, seeing guys go through different transitions, and I think it's really important to highlight what those transitions are, big and small, not just big life events, but then also providing a bit of a context and a framework to work through them because no one really teaches this stuff.
SPEAKER_01 4:41
Yeah, we're
Why Men Get Stuck In Old Selves
SPEAKER_01 4:41
gonna give a framework of how to work through transitions, but also this forced transition through life that a man goes through. You can kind of think of the stages as a boy, a boy becomes a man, a man transitions into a husband, a transitions into a dad, and then as a father, you transition from a father for an infant, for an adolescent, for a teenager, for an adult. Like what is what does it mean to be a dad in those different areas? And those are all different transitions that there isn't like a clean line, like you said. And when there isn't a clean line, the problem is that we don't recognize who we need to become and we fall into like older versions of ourselves.
SPEAKER_00 5:31
There are transitions in life that do have kind of a marker, like this is the end of a certain moment, whether it's graduating high school or graduating college or retirement, even there's there's a transition there. You have the party and it's done, and I move forward. Oftentimes when we don't have that marker, there's one part of us still stuck in the past, who we used to be, you know, big part of our identity, and there's another part of us that's moving forward.
SPEAKER_01 5:57
Yeah, I think an example of this is like one of the clients I've been talking to recently, and how he's he's a father, he's a professional, and when he gets really stressed out, what he falls back to is boozing. Then when we were talking about it, he was it's something he wants to work on, and he's like, I just feel like a kid. I feel like I'm still in college when I go out with my buddies on a Friday night and I'm hungover the next day. Those were really fun times in our life, if that was your experience in college or uh in your early 20s. And as we transition into being a father, being a husband, is that a part of us that we want to have come up every Friday or Saturday night? And I think part of the framework of like letting go of that past part is it's a problem when we don't identify the transitions that we go through.
SPEAKER_00 6:57
Yeah. Yeah. I think that's the key takeaway is we often don't address or identify that we are experiencing a transitionary time in our lives. And that causes problems. That's a great example, one that you just shared of that of uh that client of yours.
SPEAKER_01 7:14
So I think the goal is to close out transitions. We have these open transitions in life that happen, and how can we close them out? And so the first thing is acknowledging it, which is kind of that grieving. Who are you? What part of you are you letting go of to move into this next transition?
SPEAKER_00 7:36
Yeah, for sure. I can think of certain times in my life like playing football. There's many different transitions you go through. You go from playing high school football into playing university football, and there's a transition there. And usually it's like, oh, I was the man in high school uh when I played, and then I go into university where I'm a freshman rookie, and it's I'm not the man anymore. So there's like that kind of grieving process and that that transition, but no one really talks about that, right? You just kind of go through it. Um, when your football career is over, when you're done playing football, you're done. You know, you're not 35 putting on a helmet and going out and and covering kickoff. So those are some transitions going from um someone who's not a father to being a father, that's was a really difficult transition. Sure, there's the birth of your child that marks that, but I don't think guys think enough about that transition, what it's gonna be like.
SPEAKER_01 8:34
Yeah, uh the the fatherhood one is a big one because I think what we grieve is the freedom we used to have, or maybe the care freeness that there was a lot less responsibility before we came a father. And by grieving it, we're not like grieving a death when someone dies, but I was kind of thinking of uh I think her name's Marie Kondo Kondo, Marie Kondo.
SPEAKER_00 9:01
Oh, yeah, organization lady, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 9:04
She has like when you're gonna give something away, you like look at it and you think about how you've used it in the past and you thank it for the joy it brought you, and then you let it go. Yeah. I kind of think of it that way a little bit, that you know, had this freedom, I had this stage in life where like I was carefree, and it's like that was a great time in life, and that brought me all this, and now I'm letting it go because I'm gonna become
Grief As A Tool For Change
SPEAKER_01 9:32
a dad, and that's gonna take on different attributes and different qualities.
SPEAKER_00 9:38
Well, yeah, there is a sense of loss, and whether that creates grief, like you're losing something and you crieve that loss or a sadness, maybe not always negative, but there is a loss. And a lot of times these transitions are like I said earlier, it's a loss of part of us or identity that we really liked who we were. You know, being a football player in in high school, like there's an identity there. Being a single guy or not having kids, like there's an identity and a freedom and uh an independence.
SPEAKER_01 10:09
When we don't, I think one of the things that guys run into when we don't acknowledge that this part of our life is over, we can also build resentment. Like, oh, I miss my freedom, and because my kids are around, now I have all this stress in my life. Or if I just didn't have these responsibilities, then things would be easier. And resentment builds up when we don't acknowledge the transitions and close out the transitions. So the first part is grieving, acknowledging what you're losing, what you're letting go of, and then the marking of it.
SPEAKER_00 10:51
Well, I th I think you shared a really great example yesterday of something smaller, not a big life event, but even just like you said, the end of the summer and transitioning into the school year. So, like that was a great example. If you want to do you want to talk about that?
SPEAKER_01 11:05
For sure. It was just something we kind of fell into in our family. Summer, kids don't have responsibilities, they're free running around the neighborhood having a good time. And now we're gonna move into school year where there's more parameters and there's more constraints, and when you have to wake up earlier and routine. To help with that transition, I put together like a quick photo slideshow of the summer. Like go to June, go to the beginning of August, throw it onto the computer, let Apple music pick whatever cheesy song is gonna play in the background, and we just sit down and watch it. It takes, you know, no more than five, six minutes and looking at what the summer is like. And like you said, it's simple. We just sit at the dining room table and we all look at it together.
SPEAKER_00 11:54
Yeah, and I think that closes the chapter on a really memorable time in life. So those moments, those markers, those ceremonies, those rituals, I think are really important. A big transition a lot of the guys we coach are going through right now, specifically, is um becoming empty nesters. Their kids going off to college, university, getting jobs, and they're and they're leaving home. And outside of graduation or dropping your kids off at school and and having dinner with them one more time. I can't think of a ceremonial thing that really helps close that chapter for parents. And then, of course, they miss their kids. They're sad. There's a grieving process. And you talked about this yesterday too, um, for smaller moments in in life, not like even just the micro moments of a day. How do you transition from work to family or dinner or whatever it might be?
SPEAKER_01 12:46
Yeah, we talked about that at the end of the day. The transition that I wasn't making was, you know, my office is right off of the kitchen, and I wasn't transitioning into dad mode. I was being in dad mode, but then coming back into the office and checking my email one more time or checking to see if my social posts were getting the engagement that I was hoping they were getting. And Brenda was like, hey, you know, just noticed the last week you've been uh a little bit in the house and then back into your office. And like, okay, good call. That's not a lie. And I've I've started
Simple Rituals That Close Chapters
SPEAKER_01 13:26
just in the last week to at the end of the day, make a little bit of a marking of writing down the things that I have to do the next day to kind of clear my mind of that, and then you know, shutting my computer down, closing it instead of just leaving it open and you know being able to come back in really easily. So there's a little bit of a transition, like, okay, I'm done with work and I'm gonna go in the house. And like you said, simple transitions. They don't have to be huge ones. What you said about empty nesters and these transitions we go through as a man, I was thinking about how our trips tie into this and how challenges and doing new things and stepping out of your comfort zone help mark these transitions in life. And guys, I've been on the trips, a few have been empty nesters, a few are guys with young kids in the house. Hard mark. Maybe it's the summit, maybe it's finishing the hike, maybe it's at the end saying goodbye to the other guys. But there's this mark where it's like, okay, I've done something. And then the deciding part comes in there too, which I think you and I facilitate well, trying to like pull that out of guys as the coaches to be like, all right, now who are you now?
SPEAKER_00 14:44
No, I I think it's a great observation, and um kind of that happened organically. You know, we have our reunion call, which is really powerful. Um, we do some you some end-of-the-trip stuff that's really powerful. But I didn't like who do they become? Who are, you know, certainly there's a lot of skills that they they bring forward with them, um, whether it's time management or planning or communication, even just training and and making time for yourself. There's lots of skills, and you know, I think of even just stepping into more confidence and more leadership. You know, the gentleman I was speaking about earlier about his transformation. I've seen that, witnessed that firsthand.
SPEAKER_01 15:25
And he's talked about it at work, like how he leads differently and how he teaches differently at work. So the framework here is acknowledging the transformation, grieving who you might not be anymore, marking it with some type of ceremony or trip or talk or just sitting at the dining room table watching pictures, deciding what's next, deciding who you're going to be. And maybe that decision closes it a little bit, but then there's the keeping it. How do you stay in the new transition? And this isn't linear and it's not clean. So, how do you keep uh becoming that person and staying with that?
SPEAKER_00 16:09
Sure, yeah, because we will regress, we will get a pull back into our old comfort zone of getting stressed with the family and then deciding to go and have a drink or some multiple drinks. So it's not a linear process. Keeping it is a challenge, and that's why you know there's coaches, that's why there's you know, programs like the one that you went through with Fatherhood Unlocked
Decide Who You Are Now
SPEAKER_00 16:32
and um and and setting challenges. I think that's a really key piece. We grow the most when we experience challenges, and when we can direct our energy towards something that is positive, it's something that's that's like fruitful and fulfilling, that's where we really sustain and keep the transition into who we want to become.
SPEAKER_01 16:56
Yeah, and I I want to thank you because you model a lot of that for me. We know how each other live. We we're kind of in our lives talking about it, and the the way that you live your life, and maybe you don't even know it, but you hold me accountable to a lot of my healthy habits.
SPEAKER_00 17:15
Yeah, thanks. Thanks, man. Thanks for saying that. Appreciate it.
SPEAKER_01 17:19
That's what we got. I mean, anything else that you want to wrap up with?
SPEAKER_00 17:24
No, I think this is uh this has been a great chat, a great talk. I hope this inspires guys to think more distinctly about the transitions they're going through and to choose like what it's gonna look like for them when they go through these transitions.
SPEAKER_01 17:37
Yeah, for sure, dude. Well, I know you got a role to do family stuff. Thanks for the extra time. Appreciate it. That's what we've got for you guys today. So uh have an awesome week, and I'll catch you next time.
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